CRIMINAL (2016)

TAGLINE: THE MISSION IS IN THE MEMORIES.

This is one of those movies that had great previews and I was really looking forward to watching. When you’ve got a cast including Kevin Costner, Ryan Reynolds, Tommy Lee Jones, and Gary Oldman… that’s a recipe for awesome right there. I need to confess that I just forgot Gary Oldman’s name was Gary Oldman. I kept calling him “Commissioner Gordon” and “Fifth Element guy” until I IMDb searched this.

Anyway, I enjoy that the movie gets right into the action from the start but the cab that “Billy Pope” gets into is the slowest cab that I have ever seen. And I have been in a cab stuck in traffic in New York so that is saying something. You can’t get away from anyone at 2.5 mph! Whats-her-face, aka “the bad chick” as I called her, had ample time to read off that license plate. Also, it made me wonder if there are height requirements to being a CIA operative. You’re on a mission, running from bad guys and trying to be evasive? I would think that’s more difficult to achieve if you’re over six feet tall and towering over everyone around you. That’s not a “Clark Kent” situation where you can just put on some non-prescription glasses and keep it moving. It’s like looking for the Jolly Green Giant when he’s hiding out with the Lollipop Guild.

Then, not only is it the slowest cab to ever exist, it’s just the worst driver on the planet. How do you drive a cab where you live and you don’t know where you’re going? You’re relying on a GPS and don’t even realize when it’s compromised! I mean was this his first day on the job? Did he just move to the area? Get it together, cabby! Or not, since of course he gets killed. So really the issue of things going south is all on the crappy cabby, in my opinion. The fact that “Billy” only has one gun clip? That’s all him. What CIA operative goes on a mission with just one clip of bullets? That should be CIA 101! I mean, tuck another one somewhere along with a knife or something.

Of course the top tier bad guy is the drug dealer from “Bad Boys 2” aka “Johnny Tapia.” You play a drug dealer in one movie, you’re basically stuck playing a bad guy for most everything else. Why is that, I wonder?

I can’t tell you the last thing that I watched Kevin Costner in, but, it’s good to see he’s still got it. Or that he has an awesome stunt double. Either way, good stuff. “Jericho” was definitely the psycho criminal you love to hate, but, also kind of love when he sort of does the right thing. He sounds like he has laryngitis the whole time though. The rasp just isn’t believable; it’s too much. Of course he did have a chain locked around his neck for God knows how long so that could have caused some throat/vocal chord trauma.

Believe it or not, all of this is just the first 45% of the movie because I lost interest and dozed off somewhere along the way. I have to be honest and say that I never 100% regained interest in it after that. I’m not sure if it was too long or just… not great. I don’t know. I barely remember how it ends. I do know that it needed more Ryan Reynolds, but, that goes for everything in life. Everything always needs more Ryan Reynolds.

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